I am sick of being judged. At first the usual questions of "when are you getting married?”, “when are you having a baby?” and “when are you having another one?" Seemed ok to begin with and then the "I hope your not having anymore because kids cost money" began and started a whole new set of questioning.
If I hear one more person ask me why I am still babywearing my 16 month old or if it was safe I am going to scream. Yes, I still wear him, I love the cuddles and closeness of his body. It is one of a very few daily moments where his body relaxes and he can be safe, secure and still. Yes he can walk, run and climb, and yes we do own a pram. Hmm I wonder how babies got around before prams? But this story isn't about what was going on for me, this is about me doing the very thing I was despising in my life - judging.
Here I was entangled with my own thoughts and consumed with my own beliefs, that when my girlfriend was telling me about her nephew being born by emergency c-section due to a number of reasons, I wasn't listening and I began to judge. I didn’t know this new mumma at all and I wasn’t at the birth, nor am I qualified to make medical decisions! I knew my friend had had her own traumatic emergency caesarian with her first born, and may still have been grieving or healing from her own birth experiences. And yet I wasn’t aware of where my friend was in that moment, and I starting questioning about her nephews birth.
Me "Why did she need a c-section?"
Friend: "Because of decelerations and the baby was face up"
Me: "I have had 3 posterior babies all natural with no need for a caesarian." (Gloating much?)
Friend: "Healthy mum, healthy bub"
Me: "With the right knowledge I think this could have been prevented.”
Here I was judging and questioning perched on my pedestal and I didn't even say congratulations. What is wrong with me?
In that moment my beliefs, my thoughts were running through my head. Yeah healthy mum, healthy bub, I agree that the medical system can save lives, but how could you not be informed with knowledge, with knowledge comes power, right? How can you completely trust everything the doctor says? I have watched clients traumatised by their birth experience as they were bullied into having a caesarian for unnecessary reasons and pure fear embedded into them. I remember watching face of birth where a doctor giving birth to her baby was told she needed to have an emergency caesar as her baby was distressed and unless they got it out now the baby would die. After the emergency birth she looked at the readings from the foetal monitor and to her surprise there was no decrease at all, it was all normal. Surely not all c-sections are necessary? We have such high rates of c-sections in Australia and with the right knowledge these rates could go down. My job, my purpose and passion in life is to provide resources and tools so you may experience a joyful, calm or even an ecstatic birth experience.
And then a light came on somewhere within my mind
Who am I to judge where and how you give birth. Why am I wanting to push my ideals and beliefs onto others. You are entitled to your own beliefs and opinions. If you are wanting to gain knowledge and resources for a positive birth experience, to have an understanding for what causes the so called "pain" of birth, and to hopefully have a calm easy birth then come to a Calmbirth educational workshop. I don't have a crystal ball and I cannot predict what is going to happen on the day of your baby’s birth, however I can provide some tools. Sometimes we just don't get a choice and our birth plan may go out the window and that is ok.
Whether you choose your birth or the birth chooses you, everything happens for a reason. My previous blog was about a choice for birth. What if against all your best intentions you don't get your ideal birth? What then?
I held the belief that because I have had such beautiful births that everyone should be able to experience the same and have their ideal birth. Yes I have experienced my ideal birth and yet there are so many other areas of my life that just haven't gone to plan. I recently spoke with another girlfriend who had also done calmbirth, whose birth didn’t go to plan, and she said to me "i know you had great births and mine was not, but I am ok with that."
We all have a story to tell and however your birth unfolded happened so you could maybe share it with the world, so you can begin to heal and recover in ways that are unique to you. There is no failure in birth, this is your unique journey and yours to learn from, experience, enjoy, heal and grieve.
Thank you to my friend for making me aware that, being judgemental and pushing my opinions and ideals, the very thing I was despising, I was projecting out and doing to a dear friend. I had no intention of making you feel like you had to defend your choice, opinions, reasons and decisions towards birth. This has been a huge awakening for me. You are such a beautiful mumma bear you came into my life for a reason and this is just one of them.